Deleted :(

I feel like I have just learned a harsh lesson, one that I already knew, but couldn’t fully relate to yet.  It is one thing to dispense good advice, and know it is indeed good, but it is another thing to go through the experience and try to take your own good advice. It just goes to show you that emotions can be overpowering and make you want to question logic at times.  Here is what happened.

I have mentioned before (I believe in March) that I had a friend, who was a pretty close friend, that had seemed to pull away from me and was no longer talking to me, responding to text messages, or FB messages, and there was even an event about a month ago where I saw her in the grocery store we all frequent (and where we both worked for a time, that is how we met) and she acted very cold to me, clearly not wanting to talk to me.  You would think this would all be a big sign that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore and  that I should just cut the cord and delete her off FB as well…because as I mentioned in a previous post, if you don’t ever talk to me, ever, on FB, I am apt to delete you.   But I was really holding out hope because this was a friendship I really enjoyed, and I kept thinking that she might finally tell me whatever it was that had upset her or made her mad at me, so I could hopefully understand it and explain/apologize.  Because you see, as it stands, I have zero idea what in the world I could have done.  I would never purposefully hurt someone’s feelings, or say something on purpose that would make someone mad, so it is very confusing to me that this would happen.  PLUS, she is like 20 years older than I am, 52 years old to be exact, you would really think someone of that age would be better about handling friendships.   Anyway…

This entire situation has quite frankly had me under a cloud for months now.  Genuinely I have felt an overall sadness for the last 7-8 months while this has been going on.  Seeing her post things on FB with other mutual friends would hit me so hard that I eventually blocked her posts from showing up on my news feed, it was just too painful.  But then of course, I would still go to her page, out of curiosity, to see how she was doing….why?  Because this is someone I cared a lot about, and I missed.  Hard to just turn that switch off when you aren’t the one who wanted it ended.  

So then yesterday, here I sit on the computer half watching an episode of CSI on HULU and also on FB and doing other stuff, when I go to her page to see what is new with her.  When I go there I realize that I can suddenly only see profile pics and also a few things I was tagged in ages ago, and of course when I look towards the area that would confirm we are FB “friends”, it now says, “Add as a Friend”.  *sigh*   Well, I guess she finally did it.  I know I should have expected it but it still hit me hard.  Then, for whatever reason it popped in my head to see if a mutual friend of ours, one that she got really close with AFTER she stopped talking to me, was still on my friends list too… I went to check and sure enough, she had deleted me as well.  Now, that could be unrelated, but somehow I doubt it.  Probably because they are such close friends, she did it as well… but I can’t say for sure… so I am trying to not ponder that too much.  Either way, the big deletion really hit me.  It shouldn’t have, but it did.  

For the rest of the day I was just sad… either close to tears, or actually crying.  I kept feeling like I must have done something wrong, but couldn’t wrap my mind around what it was and still can’t.  I suppose in the end, I will never know.  And maybe that is for the best.  I ended up writing about the whole thing, in a very adult manner and without mentioning names, on FB so I could get any advice from other people on how to handle it.  So many people wrote comments, and sent private FB messages or texts that really helped to lift me up in a big way!

I feel like I have some clarity now, I feel like even though I will never know what happened, maybe it’s for the best that I don’t know.  It might hurt more to know the reason than it does to not know.  Also, a really good friend doesn’t end friendships over small things, or big things really, when they can be fixed by talking things out.  SO I shouldn’t feel bad about this person leaving my life, this isn’t a person who would have stuck by me through thick and thin, and better I found this out now than later when I was really counting on a shoulder to cry on.  Odds are I will see this individual again…whether at the store, or at a get together at a mutual friend’s party, and if I do I will be kind and nice no matter what, because that is what I do.  More importantly, it is what God calls us to do!

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